I went out of town for 4 days this past week, and my husband was left alone to bask in the glory of an empty house.
The only, ONLY, thing I asked him to 'please do', was to mow the grass...watch ESPN, hang out, burp, scratch yerself, fart out loud, whatever...but please mow the lawn.
I called each day to check in...as all good wives do.
The day before I came home we were 'chatting' and he said,'yeah...I fixed Mia's chair (the one he broke to get her out of when she got stuck)...and I have been straightening up...'
Ohhhhh crap.
My husbands idea of 'straightening up' is to get a garbage bag, and anything HE thinks is non-essential, he throws away...
(I almost hurled.)
Yes, when I got home, the house was amazingly 'straightened up'...scarily so.
Being the wise woman that I am, I decided to check the huge trash can outside---I am glad I did.
Amongst the garbage, here are a few of the items I found/retrieved:
--my Book of Common Prayer that I got when I was confirmed...the one with the program from when I went and saw Desmond Tutu speak...yes, it is tattered because it has been used!
--the rock, that sits on my dresser, from my father's grave site...(!!!!)
--ALL, and I mean ALL, of Mia's stickers...sticker books as well...
--one of Roxy's favorite chew toys...
--my antivirus software, and update software, for my computer...
---the flower box from Mia's doll house...
--my Target reciepts for things for my big kids...
--an empty box of checks...including the 'please check to see if this information is correct' note with all the account numbers, his full name and address...(hello? ID theft?)
--an application to one of my craft shows...
--various books, etc.
...yeeeaaaaahhhh.
No. I did not flip out and go all high pitched bitch on him.
I remained quite calm actually.
I think NOW, he understands that 'thou shalt NOT throw my stuff away'...
I am currently working on training him to clean toilets, mop floors, wipe down countertops, learning the power of bleach/Windex...as well as how to scrub out a fishy pan he cooked in and left on the stove for 3 days...(oh, that funky funky smell!)
I have given up on the dishwasher training....
....and, no, the grass did NOT get mowed.
Men...gotta love em! 'Bless his heart', he meant well.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Oprah and Sex...
Titillating title, eh?
But seriously.
O has had a coupla shows on lately regarding sex, 'the talk', 'sexting',the 'M' word---('your daughters should learn to pleasure themselves...')
OMG!
I have a 14 yr. old and a 4 yr.old daughter...and an 11 year old son.
It was hard enough when I got pregnant with the 4 yr.old to 'explain', as the then 10 yr. old asked,'How did the baby get in there?'...she was so grossed out, and I was kinda embarrassed....but we got through it. I did not use technical terms...I talked about his 'deal', mommas 'chacha'...eggs, those things called sperm...and 'we LOVE each other and THAT is the ONLY reason to connect the deal and the chacha!'...
I know! I totally blew it...but, now I am faced with a gorgeous 14 yr old being pursued by boys...and she is going to High School next year with boys who are 4 years older...and wiser.
I hope she will make smart choices...and I guess the only thing I can do is maintain an open, non-judgemental, communication hub for her. I think I am more scared than she is...but all it takes is for me to hear about 'The Blow Job Club'...and run screaming from the room!
When I was 14, I was a total brace-faced nerd! All we wanted to do was skateboard, surf...and MAYBE play ghost in the graveyard at night at a sleepover...now they have cell phones (with cameras), texting, sexting, and all that!
'If ya like it then ya better put a ring on it'....
Would it be illegal if I crushed up birth control pills in her cereal each morning? Better yet, as soon as I know she has a 'BF' I am giving her those Pills so 'her skin will be clear.'
I am so not ready for this! But I shall remain cool...and calm! (HA.)
But seriously.
O has had a coupla shows on lately regarding sex, 'the talk', 'sexting',the 'M' word---('your daughters should learn to pleasure themselves...')
OMG!
I have a 14 yr. old and a 4 yr.old daughter...and an 11 year old son.
It was hard enough when I got pregnant with the 4 yr.old to 'explain', as the then 10 yr. old asked,'How did the baby get in there?'...she was so grossed out, and I was kinda embarrassed....but we got through it. I did not use technical terms...I talked about his 'deal', mommas 'chacha'...eggs, those things called sperm...and 'we LOVE each other and THAT is the ONLY reason to connect the deal and the chacha!'...
I know! I totally blew it...but, now I am faced with a gorgeous 14 yr old being pursued by boys...and she is going to High School next year with boys who are 4 years older...and wiser.
I hope she will make smart choices...and I guess the only thing I can do is maintain an open, non-judgemental, communication hub for her. I think I am more scared than she is...but all it takes is for me to hear about 'The Blow Job Club'...and run screaming from the room!
When I was 14, I was a total brace-faced nerd! All we wanted to do was skateboard, surf...and MAYBE play ghost in the graveyard at night at a sleepover...now they have cell phones (with cameras), texting, sexting, and all that!
'If ya like it then ya better put a ring on it'....
Would it be illegal if I crushed up birth control pills in her cereal each morning? Better yet, as soon as I know she has a 'BF' I am giving her those Pills so 'her skin will be clear.'
I am so not ready for this! But I shall remain cool...and calm! (HA.)
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tax Day 2009
My H and I made the effort to get our taxes done early...so we could get some money back to pay off the new roof we had to have put on the house....and come to find out, the checks are being 'delayed' because of the bad economy....c'mon people!
Monday, April 13, 2009
The 'Joys' of Pregnancy and Childbirth: Baby #1
It is said, and widely known, that pregnacy and childbirth are the greatest 'joys' of a woman's life...every mom has similiar stories...but here is mine...the first of THREE.
(I am mainly writing this in case of the onset of early alzheimer's)
I was a bit freaked out when I found out I was pregnant with 'Baby #1'...
What a cruel joke that my body was actually gonna have to do what it was designed to do---and reproduce! Don't get me wrong---I was psyched!...and scared out of my wits...no more 'tomboy' for 40 weeks, at least.
The ultimate first 'cruel joke' was the 'pregnancy test'...seriously.
Peeing on a stick? huh? Now you boys have extreme control over your 'urine flow'...I know this bc my son has demonstrated his 'pen(is)manship' in the snow---impressive! However, back in 1994, those things were NOT what they are today...let us leave it at that. It came out 'positive'...or at least it had two lines on it...which according to the directions meant 'pregnant'...
I told my cat, Jesse, first bc a.) he was right there and b.)my husband (now X) was out partying with friends...I told him when he got home...(he said '...cool.' and went straight to bed...by himself I might add.)
I went to my OB/GYN doc soon after the lovely 'stick test' just to double check.
...and was relieved that in fact, no, they don't do a 'kill-the-rabbit' test any more!...Instead they do an 'ultrasound'...cool! I thought...a little gel on my tummy, and I'll see the baby...uh. NO! My doc whips out this wand-like thing---that hummed like Darth Vaders lightstick...YIKES! Turns out you don't get the 'fun' (non-invasive) ultra sound until later...
I was 'ill' for the next 22 weeks.
We lived in a duplex with a shared vent system at the time. My neighbor liked to cook onions and liver late at night...enough said. BLLLEEECCHHHK!
For some reason, the only thing that made me actually 'hurl' was grape juice---still can't drink it.
(wine? yes I can...)
So then I hit the 'cute pregnant' weeks....aw, how cute!
A basketball stomach and 'full luscious' bosoms...eeewah. Don't get me wrong...as an artist and illustrator I can appreciate a beautiful 'decollette'...but not with the expanding stomach to match.For the first time in my life I had cleavage...to me it was like having two ginormous water balloons strapped to my chest...they were heavy and jiggly...again, I say 'eeewaahhh!'
My body was out of my control...
I was gaining weight hand over fist. I craved homemade onion dip (the kind you make with soup mix) and chocolate milkshakes.
I did find out what I was having---a girl! Cool! I knew what to do with a girl...
I remember telling my then sister-in-law that I was having a girl...and she said,'I hate you.'...and she meant it! (She has 4 boys...kharma?Of course, poor thing, only has one ovary...bless her heart.)
That was pretty much the end of our 'friendship.'
After the 'cute pregnant' stage I realized that my fingers were turning into sausages and my face was swolt up like a bad bloat from Chinese food...my lips were so big, I could hardly form words toward the end...again, I say,'attractive'!
(No wonder the song 'Brick House' was in a continuos loop in my head...)
I wore my running shoes from the time I got up in the morning until I went to bed...hoping that some sort of foot binding would keep my feet in check...plus, it was hard to tie my shoes!
Fast forward to July 13th, 1995...
It had been 100 degrees plus that week...and it did not help with my bloated orca-ness...
Mom came up to see the 'King and I' at Mill Mt. Theatre with me...my baby shower was the next night...
All during the performance I sat in the aisle...or rather laid down in the aisle bc I was so uncomfortable...we got home later...and my water broke! (HOLY CRAP!)
I was not due for 4 more weeks!
My (X) husband got home from a night out with the boys (wearing a sombrero I must add) at 2 a.m...
I had been laboring for 3 hours.When I told him it was 'go time'...he swayed and said...'cool.'
I was trying to figure out how the heck to time contractions...all that info from birthing classes? Out the window.
My X went and took a nice hot shower...'to wake up'.
As the steam tumbled from the bathroom, I was doubled over in pain watching the timing device.
X exited his 'invigorating' shower,and he casually got fully dressed---including shoes and baseball hat---and got in the bed and ...went to sleep...!!!!
(If only I could have shot poison darts from my eyes...)
So, I labored all night by myself...mom was a nervous wreck and I could not focus with her in the room...my cats kept me company, and 'chirpy purred' when I was going through contractions.
Finally around 630 a.m., I could not take it any more... I called my doc (my back door neighbor) and he said 'come on in'...and started giggling...???
I roused the sleeping 'prince' and he stumbled to the car...I lumbered down the 27 steps, of our house on a hill, to the car...by myself thank you...and we were off.
X added, quite comically,as we got on the road, that 'wow...I'm still drunk!'...and all I could think of was 'oh great...DUI on the way to the hospital...' PERFECT! He drove in the wrong direction in to the hospital driveway and dropped me off...I registered...and said 'gimme all the drugs you have for pain, and keep'em comin'!' (I was already a 'nurses favorite'...) I am HILARIOUS under stress!
They wheeled me up to my room...gave me a 'sexy little cotton number' gown to put on and said,'we'll be back'...I felt really really really alone.
However I did not have time to think about it bc...here came another lovely contraction...breathe breathe breathe....
I waited and waited and thought and thought and thought.
Geez. I hope I don't have to have a Csection---saw the video on Discovery Channel...I did not want my innards flopped up on my stomach, sewn back together, and then stuffed back in my body like a turkey on Thanksgiving...ah...food...I had not eaten anything since lunch the day before...I was hungry...the woozy kind of hungry. The 'I will kill for food' kind of hungry.
My labor nurse finally arrived with tubes, machines,needles, IV's...everything but a Mariacci Band---which would have been a nice touch at this point.
Eventually, my X made it to the room---oh joy.
He was thrilled to find out that the chair tilted back and made a bed...and he laid down and took a nap.
My doc---who I adored (X Navy fighter pilot--what's not to love?) came to see me later in the a.m....I could do this...he was there!
The next couple hours were filled with measuring, monitoring, and breathing...and wishing I could eat some food...
During the 'down time' my X went to the cafeteria and ate...and even brought a bag o doritos, and a cup of coffee, back to the room...I made him go out in the hall to eat and drink---'dragon lady' (me) was hungry and thirsty!
The nurse, a sweetheart and my companion, checked me...which for you guys out there, the only way I could describe it to you...(bc you guys don't have 'cha-cha's)' is like having someone shove a softball up your 'pooper shooter'(ok? Nuff said)
I finally got to the point where I could not take the pain anymore.
I am very stoic about pain, and have a high thresh hold---but I was about to pass out.
(People who give birth w/out pain meds are masocistic.)
Finally, the Anestheisiolgist (sp?) (aka: Dr. 'I'm late for my golf weekend') showed up and (hurriedly and painfully) administered the epidural---I now know what it feels like to have an ice pick stabbed in to your spinal column.
My X collapsed on the floor and almost fainted during the procedure. Nice.
I rested...and waited...and could not feel my legs...seriously thought of getting a tattoo...Why not? I would not feel it, and it would have been a great diversion...2 birds, one stone and all.
Cute nurse recommended pitosin(sp) to 'get the party started'...once the drug was administered my body said,'oh hell yeah! let's do this!'....
Funny, the nurse had to fetch the X out in the hall...and then in came Dr. JetFighterPilotHeroOBGYN
(cue Indiana Jones Music.)
They wheeled in the 'french fry light' basinet---it looks like the thing at Mickey D's that warms the fries---a couple more nurses, big spotlights, and a big HUGE mirror!...????
I asked them what that was for, and they said 'so you can watch the birth'...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
No thanks!...they wheeled that thing outta there like a monkey on roller skates...FAST!
I started pushing---the best part of that was when I got to 'rest' and breathe the oxygen....aaahhhhh.
ok...ready...PUSH...everyone was counting to 10....and I was getting the giggles! It was so ridiculous!
I made everyone stop counting...thanks. I can count to 10.
Plus the coffee/dorito breath from the X was KILLING me...
He did attempt to go see what was going on 'below' and I about ripped his arm outta socket...'HERE! HERE! HERE! At my HEAD!!!!'
I know some people are all in to watching the head come out...but not me...and certainly not anyone but a doc or nurse...I have a vivid imagination...and the visual was just too much...really.
Turns out girl baby's cord was around her neck...tense moments as Dr. Wonderful cut it off her neck...then she finally came out...and was not making any noise...Dr. Wonderful put his hand on mine and said, 'it's ok...she's ok...'
They suctioned her throat out and she FINALLY finally cried---relief to say the least. She was 4 weeks early and Doc. Wonderful had said from the 'git go' that she may have breathing problems...
But she was fine...all 6 lbs. 14 oz. of her beautifulness. So after 15 hours of labor,Courtney Virginia Breakell was finally here....
Then I thought: NOW what?
She was the first newborn I had ever held...I knew nothing...I felt like the girl in Gone With the Wind" 'Miss Scawlett! Miss Scawlett---I dont know nothin about birthin no babies!!!!'
(I had to slap myself!)
A couple hours after Courtney was born, my X went to my baby shower--- and she and I were alone...really alone...no one came to see us...and the nurses were 'busy'....
ummmmmmmm. yeah.
Meanwhile, at my baby shower, everyone was partying it up! My X sister in law and her friends even opened ALL---yup ALL---of the baby gifts!
Back at the hospital, Courtney and I were just 'hangin' out...they brought me food from the cafeteria...meat loaf, gravy, instant mashed potatoes, and collards. I almost hurled at the smell. I survived off pudding cups and jello---and cranberry juice.
Plus, for some reason, maintainance decided they needed to switch out the phone and reinstall wiring at midnight...???
This hillbilly, mountain freak, nurse would not coach me on the whole 'feeding' issue with this new baby...she kept saying,'aw, huunney, it shoold come natchrully too yooo...'
(well, guess what Gertrude? I am clueless! I am not a frickin' dog!)
I also had never changed a diaper...I know!
(But given the school I went to, I never had time to baby sit...so, again, I knew NOTHING!)
...Obviously I figured things out because Courtney and I made it through the next hours, days, months... 13 years...and my 'baby' will be 14 this summer!!!!...'OMG'!!!!
So that's 'Baby #1'...stay tuned for the tale of 'Baby#2'...aka: 'Brick' the 9 pounder...oh yeeeaaahhh!
(I am mainly writing this in case of the onset of early alzheimer's)
I was a bit freaked out when I found out I was pregnant with 'Baby #1'...
What a cruel joke that my body was actually gonna have to do what it was designed to do---and reproduce! Don't get me wrong---I was psyched!...and scared out of my wits...no more 'tomboy' for 40 weeks, at least.
The ultimate first 'cruel joke' was the 'pregnancy test'...seriously.
Peeing on a stick? huh? Now you boys have extreme control over your 'urine flow'...I know this bc my son has demonstrated his 'pen(is)manship' in the snow---impressive! However, back in 1994, those things were NOT what they are today...let us leave it at that. It came out 'positive'...or at least it had two lines on it...which according to the directions meant 'pregnant'...
I told my cat, Jesse, first bc a.) he was right there and b.)my husband (now X) was out partying with friends...I told him when he got home...(he said '...cool.' and went straight to bed...by himself I might add.)
I went to my OB/GYN doc soon after the lovely 'stick test' just to double check.
...and was relieved that in fact, no, they don't do a 'kill-the-rabbit' test any more!...Instead they do an 'ultrasound'...cool! I thought...a little gel on my tummy, and I'll see the baby...uh. NO! My doc whips out this wand-like thing---that hummed like Darth Vaders lightstick...YIKES! Turns out you don't get the 'fun' (non-invasive) ultra sound until later...
I was 'ill' for the next 22 weeks.
We lived in a duplex with a shared vent system at the time. My neighbor liked to cook onions and liver late at night...enough said. BLLLEEECCHHHK!
For some reason, the only thing that made me actually 'hurl' was grape juice---still can't drink it.
(wine? yes I can...)
So then I hit the 'cute pregnant' weeks....aw, how cute!
A basketball stomach and 'full luscious' bosoms...eeewah. Don't get me wrong...as an artist and illustrator I can appreciate a beautiful 'decollette'...but not with the expanding stomach to match.For the first time in my life I had cleavage...to me it was like having two ginormous water balloons strapped to my chest...they were heavy and jiggly...again, I say 'eeewaahhh!'
My body was out of my control...
I was gaining weight hand over fist. I craved homemade onion dip (the kind you make with soup mix) and chocolate milkshakes.
I did find out what I was having---a girl! Cool! I knew what to do with a girl...
I remember telling my then sister-in-law that I was having a girl...and she said,'I hate you.'...and she meant it! (She has 4 boys...kharma?Of course, poor thing, only has one ovary...bless her heart.)
That was pretty much the end of our 'friendship.'
After the 'cute pregnant' stage I realized that my fingers were turning into sausages and my face was swolt up like a bad bloat from Chinese food...my lips were so big, I could hardly form words toward the end...again, I say,'attractive'!
(No wonder the song 'Brick House' was in a continuos loop in my head...)
I wore my running shoes from the time I got up in the morning until I went to bed...hoping that some sort of foot binding would keep my feet in check...plus, it was hard to tie my shoes!
Fast forward to July 13th, 1995...
It had been 100 degrees plus that week...and it did not help with my bloated orca-ness...
Mom came up to see the 'King and I' at Mill Mt. Theatre with me...my baby shower was the next night...
All during the performance I sat in the aisle...or rather laid down in the aisle bc I was so uncomfortable...we got home later...and my water broke! (HOLY CRAP!)
I was not due for 4 more weeks!
My (X) husband got home from a night out with the boys (wearing a sombrero I must add) at 2 a.m...
I had been laboring for 3 hours.When I told him it was 'go time'...he swayed and said...'cool.'
I was trying to figure out how the heck to time contractions...all that info from birthing classes? Out the window.
My X went and took a nice hot shower...'to wake up'.
As the steam tumbled from the bathroom, I was doubled over in pain watching the timing device.
X exited his 'invigorating' shower,and he casually got fully dressed---including shoes and baseball hat---and got in the bed and ...went to sleep...!!!!
(If only I could have shot poison darts from my eyes...)
So, I labored all night by myself...mom was a nervous wreck and I could not focus with her in the room...my cats kept me company, and 'chirpy purred' when I was going through contractions.
Finally around 630 a.m., I could not take it any more... I called my doc (my back door neighbor) and he said 'come on in'...and started giggling...???
I roused the sleeping 'prince' and he stumbled to the car...I lumbered down the 27 steps, of our house on a hill, to the car...by myself thank you...and we were off.
X added, quite comically,as we got on the road, that 'wow...I'm still drunk!'...and all I could think of was 'oh great...DUI on the way to the hospital...' PERFECT! He drove in the wrong direction in to the hospital driveway and dropped me off...I registered...and said 'gimme all the drugs you have for pain, and keep'em comin'!' (I was already a 'nurses favorite'...) I am HILARIOUS under stress!
They wheeled me up to my room...gave me a 'sexy little cotton number' gown to put on and said,'we'll be back'...I felt really really really alone.
However I did not have time to think about it bc...here came another lovely contraction...breathe breathe breathe....
I waited and waited and thought and thought and thought.
Geez. I hope I don't have to have a Csection---saw the video on Discovery Channel...I did not want my innards flopped up on my stomach, sewn back together, and then stuffed back in my body like a turkey on Thanksgiving...ah...food...I had not eaten anything since lunch the day before...I was hungry...the woozy kind of hungry. The 'I will kill for food' kind of hungry.
My labor nurse finally arrived with tubes, machines,needles, IV's...everything but a Mariacci Band---which would have been a nice touch at this point.
Eventually, my X made it to the room---oh joy.
He was thrilled to find out that the chair tilted back and made a bed...and he laid down and took a nap.
My doc---who I adored (X Navy fighter pilot--what's not to love?) came to see me later in the a.m....I could do this...he was there!
The next couple hours were filled with measuring, monitoring, and breathing...and wishing I could eat some food...
During the 'down time' my X went to the cafeteria and ate...and even brought a bag o doritos, and a cup of coffee, back to the room...I made him go out in the hall to eat and drink---'dragon lady' (me) was hungry and thirsty!
The nurse, a sweetheart and my companion, checked me...which for you guys out there, the only way I could describe it to you...(bc you guys don't have 'cha-cha's)' is like having someone shove a softball up your 'pooper shooter'(ok? Nuff said)
I finally got to the point where I could not take the pain anymore.
I am very stoic about pain, and have a high thresh hold---but I was about to pass out.
(People who give birth w/out pain meds are masocistic.)
Finally, the Anestheisiolgist (sp?) (aka: Dr. 'I'm late for my golf weekend') showed up and (hurriedly and painfully) administered the epidural---I now know what it feels like to have an ice pick stabbed in to your spinal column.
My X collapsed on the floor and almost fainted during the procedure. Nice.
I rested...and waited...and could not feel my legs...seriously thought of getting a tattoo...Why not? I would not feel it, and it would have been a great diversion...2 birds, one stone and all.
Cute nurse recommended pitosin(sp) to 'get the party started'...once the drug was administered my body said,'oh hell yeah! let's do this!'....
Funny, the nurse had to fetch the X out in the hall...and then in came Dr. JetFighterPilotHeroOBGYN
(cue Indiana Jones Music.)
They wheeled in the 'french fry light' basinet---it looks like the thing at Mickey D's that warms the fries---a couple more nurses, big spotlights, and a big HUGE mirror!...????
I asked them what that was for, and they said 'so you can watch the birth'...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
No thanks!...they wheeled that thing outta there like a monkey on roller skates...FAST!
I started pushing---the best part of that was when I got to 'rest' and breathe the oxygen....aaahhhhh.
ok...ready...PUSH...everyone was counting to 10....and I was getting the giggles! It was so ridiculous!
I made everyone stop counting...thanks. I can count to 10.
Plus the coffee/dorito breath from the X was KILLING me...
He did attempt to go see what was going on 'below' and I about ripped his arm outta socket...'HERE! HERE! HERE! At my HEAD!!!!'
I know some people are all in to watching the head come out...but not me...and certainly not anyone but a doc or nurse...I have a vivid imagination...and the visual was just too much...really.
Turns out girl baby's cord was around her neck...tense moments as Dr. Wonderful cut it off her neck...then she finally came out...and was not making any noise...Dr. Wonderful put his hand on mine and said, 'it's ok...she's ok...'
They suctioned her throat out and she FINALLY finally cried---relief to say the least. She was 4 weeks early and Doc. Wonderful had said from the 'git go' that she may have breathing problems...
But she was fine...all 6 lbs. 14 oz. of her beautifulness. So after 15 hours of labor,Courtney Virginia Breakell was finally here....
Then I thought: NOW what?
She was the first newborn I had ever held...I knew nothing...I felt like the girl in Gone With the Wind" 'Miss Scawlett! Miss Scawlett---I dont know nothin about birthin no babies!!!!'
(I had to slap myself!)
A couple hours after Courtney was born, my X went to my baby shower--- and she and I were alone...really alone...no one came to see us...and the nurses were 'busy'....
ummmmmmmm. yeah.
Meanwhile, at my baby shower, everyone was partying it up! My X sister in law and her friends even opened ALL---yup ALL---of the baby gifts!
Back at the hospital, Courtney and I were just 'hangin' out...they brought me food from the cafeteria...meat loaf, gravy, instant mashed potatoes, and collards. I almost hurled at the smell. I survived off pudding cups and jello---and cranberry juice.
Plus, for some reason, maintainance decided they needed to switch out the phone and reinstall wiring at midnight...???
This hillbilly, mountain freak, nurse would not coach me on the whole 'feeding' issue with this new baby...she kept saying,'aw, huunney, it shoold come natchrully too yooo...'
(well, guess what Gertrude? I am clueless! I am not a frickin' dog!)
I also had never changed a diaper...I know!
(But given the school I went to, I never had time to baby sit...so, again, I knew NOTHING!)
...Obviously I figured things out because Courtney and I made it through the next hours, days, months... 13 years...and my 'baby' will be 14 this summer!!!!...'OMG'!!!!
So that's 'Baby #1'...stay tuned for the tale of 'Baby#2'...aka: 'Brick' the 9 pounder...oh yeeeaaahhh!
'MOMMY!...I had a little accident!!!'
OK, nothing makes your adreneline spike like this phrase yelled from another room...(well, that and 'MOMMY! I am bleeding on the new sofa' or 'I threw up on your bed'.....)
so...
Me: '...what kind of accident sweetie?
Her: '...ummm. It's just tinkle...(pause)...and just a lil poop...'
Me: ' WHERE IS THE DOG?' (Heart rate shoots up imagining the dog...bleckkk!)
Her: ' she is right here....I took my pants off.'
Me: ' WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS????'
Her: '...um....in daddy's room...' (The Mancave)
Me: (flying down the stairs waiting to see Roxy enjoying a 'snack'...trying not to gag.)
I find said pants in 'Mancave'...no underwear....OMG!
....I stare down the dog, she looks at me like, 'Wuh-it?'
...still no underwear...Mia running around bottomless...Roxy close behind...literally...
FOUND UNDERWEAR...in the washer...and lets just say, I threw the Princess Belle ones out...(which is a bummer bc they had glitter on them...a favorite!)
Now Mia is making a sport of running around 'free and unfettered' with dog just HOPING she will stop....I 'tackle' child to the ground, careful not to get my sweater dirty...clean up...new undies, new pants...much like roping a calf---(and I do hold my arms in the air and yell 'TIME' when I am done.)
The dog is still pissed at me....
so...
Me: '...what kind of accident sweetie?
Her: '...ummm. It's just tinkle...(pause)...and just a lil poop...'
Me: ' WHERE IS THE DOG?' (Heart rate shoots up imagining the dog...bleckkk!)
Her: ' she is right here....I took my pants off.'
Me: ' WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS????'
Her: '...um....in daddy's room...' (The Mancave)
Me: (flying down the stairs waiting to see Roxy enjoying a 'snack'...trying not to gag.)
I find said pants in 'Mancave'...no underwear....OMG!
....I stare down the dog, she looks at me like, 'Wuh-it?'
...still no underwear...Mia running around bottomless...Roxy close behind...literally...
FOUND UNDERWEAR...in the washer...and lets just say, I threw the Princess Belle ones out...(which is a bummer bc they had glitter on them...a favorite!)
Now Mia is making a sport of running around 'free and unfettered' with dog just HOPING she will stop....I 'tackle' child to the ground, careful not to get my sweater dirty...clean up...new undies, new pants...much like roping a calf---(and I do hold my arms in the air and yell 'TIME' when I am done.)
The dog is still pissed at me....
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Roxy's 'date' with Parson...
Roxy the Foxy Beagle had a date with Parson the Jack Russell...she was not impressed with his 'gift'.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
TARHEELS WIN...and so do I...
Thank you Jesus..the Heels are the National Champs!
Perhaps my life will return to normal again???
Any time there is a Carolina game on...our home goes in to 'lock down'. My husband 'prepares for the game'...wears the same clothes he had on the last time they won, sits in the exact same spot on the sofa, turns certain lights on/off...the dog cannot go out or come back in. None of us are allowed in the 'man cave'. Mentally, he goes in to a frowny trance.
Most times I just take the kids and go somewhere...the park, shopping,front yard...
If we come back home before the game is over, and the Heels start doing poorly, it is CLEARLY our fault for upsetting the balance of the karma.
Before I married my husband 6 years ago, I had never heard of this phenomena...and I did not know about the power MY husband held over the team. Shall I say I am in awe?
HA! I enjoy teasing him...it's my job!
The Heels victory is bittersweet for me. I am glad they won and 'it' is over---and I have my husband back...but life is cruel. The Master's is on this weekend. ugh.
Perhaps my life will return to normal again???
Any time there is a Carolina game on...our home goes in to 'lock down'. My husband 'prepares for the game'...wears the same clothes he had on the last time they won, sits in the exact same spot on the sofa, turns certain lights on/off...the dog cannot go out or come back in. None of us are allowed in the 'man cave'. Mentally, he goes in to a frowny trance.
Most times I just take the kids and go somewhere...the park, shopping,front yard...
If we come back home before the game is over, and the Heels start doing poorly, it is CLEARLY our fault for upsetting the balance of the karma.
Before I married my husband 6 years ago, I had never heard of this phenomena...and I did not know about the power MY husband held over the team. Shall I say I am in awe?
HA! I enjoy teasing him...it's my job!
The Heels victory is bittersweet for me. I am glad they won and 'it' is over---and I have my husband back...but life is cruel. The Master's is on this weekend. ugh.
Monday, April 6, 2009
I don't want to be 'the perfect mom'!...I want a shower!
There has been so much in recent media-dom regarding 'how to be a perfect mom'....'ways to find time for yourself'...'guides to destress your busy life'...
I don't want to be the 'perfect' mom! I'd just like an uninterrupted, longer than 3 minute, shower.I laugh at the ads for the foaming bath washes...obviously, their kids are not at home.
Until there truly is a 30 hour day...my 'time to myself' involves folding laundry after everyone else has gone to bed...and watching Craig Ferguson.I may be actually 'losing it' because Windexing down my countertops gives me joy.
In many ways, living in a constant state of 'mom stress' keeps me going...much like being in a combat zone...the adrenaline rush is much the same when you hear a 'clunk' on the floor (that sounded like a cantaloupe hitting pavement)---the quiet hush for the inhale...(wait for it...)and the piercing screams...the bloody lip, or bumped head pushes you in to 'triage' mode...
'I NEED A PAPER TOWEL, SOME ICE... AND PINK BUNNY---STAT!!!'
Thing is, I don't have those disposable gowns to catch the blood...or red sauce...or whatever. That is why I enjoy the all black wardrobe...or at least a funky patterned shirt...hides stains better...'mommy-flage'.
No. I cannot do it all...and quite honestly, I don't care!
What I DO care about is that my kids sleep well, eat SOMETHING that is not white, yellow, or sugary...wear clean clothes, and bathe. I care that they become nice people, and compassionate grown ups...and love animals...maybe learn to garden by watching me...
Gotta go...the dog is eating a red marker on the burber rug...
'I NEED A WET PAPER TOWEL, SOME 'SHOUT'...AND THE BITTER APPLE SPRAY---STAT!!!'
(fade to black)
I don't want to be the 'perfect' mom! I'd just like an uninterrupted, longer than 3 minute, shower.I laugh at the ads for the foaming bath washes...obviously, their kids are not at home.
Until there truly is a 30 hour day...my 'time to myself' involves folding laundry after everyone else has gone to bed...and watching Craig Ferguson.I may be actually 'losing it' because Windexing down my countertops gives me joy.
In many ways, living in a constant state of 'mom stress' keeps me going...much like being in a combat zone...the adrenaline rush is much the same when you hear a 'clunk' on the floor (that sounded like a cantaloupe hitting pavement)---the quiet hush for the inhale...(wait for it...)and the piercing screams...the bloody lip, or bumped head pushes you in to 'triage' mode...
'I NEED A PAPER TOWEL, SOME ICE... AND PINK BUNNY---STAT!!!'
Thing is, I don't have those disposable gowns to catch the blood...or red sauce...or whatever. That is why I enjoy the all black wardrobe...or at least a funky patterned shirt...hides stains better...'mommy-flage'.
No. I cannot do it all...and quite honestly, I don't care!
What I DO care about is that my kids sleep well, eat SOMETHING that is not white, yellow, or sugary...wear clean clothes, and bathe. I care that they become nice people, and compassionate grown ups...and love animals...maybe learn to garden by watching me...
Gotta go...the dog is eating a red marker on the burber rug...
'I NEED A WET PAPER TOWEL, SOME 'SHOUT'...AND THE BITTER APPLE SPRAY---STAT!!!'
(fade to black)
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Mia said...(observation)
I am giving Mia her bath bc Daddy has to watch the UNC game...
Anyway...
Mia has a floaty boat in the tub...
I say,'...that's the 'S.S. Mia'...'
and she says, 'no...momma, it's the Friendship...get it? Friend Ship...'
Little Miss Sense of Humor!
Anyway...
Mia has a floaty boat in the tub...
I say,'...that's the 'S.S. Mia'...'
and she says, 'no...momma, it's the Friendship...get it? Friend Ship...'
Little Miss Sense of Humor!
Dead Mole Lollipops and Black Widows...
So today, besides moving plants around the yard AND having a garage sale...I decided to clean out the garage...I mean REALLY clean it out!I moved stuff away from the walls that has not been touched in 6 years...oy!
Beside the usual leaves, crud and spider webs...it was like a treasure hunt of 'gee, what died here?'
I moved stuff away from one wall...acorn shells....mouse droppings...animal fur...ANIMAL FUR?OMG!
It was the remains of a dead mouse...gray fur and bones...geez!
(wow! Sylvia has been workin hard!)
I start to sweep said bones and fur away....and out pops the BIGGEST FRICKIN Black Widow SPIDER I have EVER ever seen!!!!
I HATE spiders! I can handle snakes, mice, moles...but NOT spiders!
After my initial FREAK out...(no, I did not scream like a girl.)...I took my shoe OFF----yes, bc she coulda run up my leg, pounced on my face and sucked my eyeballs out---and SQUISHED the livin' crap outta her.
Not once but 3 times...she was the size of a frickin GRAPE---with the guts to match!Then I did the 'heebie geebie' dance...and swept her remains away....BLEEECCCKKKK!Needless to say, the dead mole I found later was a 'piece of cake'...or rather, looked like some sick kind of carnivore lollipop...actually quite interesting....you could see the bone structure and it's teeth....
It did get 'airborne' though when I took it to the trash---daggone wind!
Beside the usual leaves, crud and spider webs...it was like a treasure hunt of 'gee, what died here?'
I moved stuff away from one wall...acorn shells....mouse droppings...animal fur...ANIMAL FUR?OMG!
It was the remains of a dead mouse...gray fur and bones...geez!
(wow! Sylvia has been workin hard!)
I start to sweep said bones and fur away....and out pops the BIGGEST FRICKIN Black Widow SPIDER I have EVER ever seen!!!!
I HATE spiders! I can handle snakes, mice, moles...but NOT spiders!
After my initial FREAK out...(no, I did not scream like a girl.)...I took my shoe OFF----yes, bc she coulda run up my leg, pounced on my face and sucked my eyeballs out---and SQUISHED the livin' crap outta her.
Not once but 3 times...she was the size of a frickin GRAPE---with the guts to match!Then I did the 'heebie geebie' dance...and swept her remains away....BLEEECCCKKKK!Needless to say, the dead mole I found later was a 'piece of cake'...or rather, looked like some sick kind of carnivore lollipop...actually quite interesting....you could see the bone structure and it's teeth....
It did get 'airborne' though when I took it to the trash---daggone wind!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Mia said...(observation)
we were strolling to the park yesterday and Mia said,
'Momma....wouldn't it be cool if it snowed purple snow?'
That would be very cool!
'Momma....wouldn't it be cool if it snowed purple snow?'
That would be very cool!
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