My task this week is to paint walls and trim in the 'Intimate Apparel' department.
For 3 days I have been scurrying up and down a 10 foot ladder...'buns of steel'!....painting.
For 3 days I have been the invisible chick up near the dusty ceiling----listening and observing.
It has been HILARIOUS!
Needless to say, I have not only 'researched' all the different shapes, styles, and sizes of 'berzeers'...I have also listened to women (and men) discuss their 'preferences'.
---Older Southern women still buy the Playtex 18 hour bras---the ones that come in a BOX....always WHITE....screaming 'white ass white'....as in 'BLEACH the crap outta them' WHITE.
Those big honkin' polyester wonders with the bullet shape and an under wire from hell...and the hook in the back that rivals a corset.
Those puppies ain't goin' NO WHERE!
And if there is an emergency, it can be used as some sort of hammock...or...distress flag...something!
(I will NEVER buy my bras-in-a-box! Just sayin'.)
---I feel sorry for the men who are dragged in to the department with their wives.
(Who takes their husband BRA SHOPPING? REALLY????)
The men wistfully looking at the pretty lacy (itchy) 'just for show' bras and matching undies....they go in to a sort of trance...until the woman starts bitchin' about how she 'never pays more than a coupla dollars for a bra...'
(and she buys her undies in a six pack...white, high wasted, 'granny panties' no doubt.)
'Function' absolutely outweighs 'Form'...poor guys....as they skulk off, heads lowered, looking at their feet....wondering what is on TV tonight.
---Then their is the 'bride'....buying for her 'trouseau'....aka: 'Honeymoon Stuff'.
Now , THAT is ALL 'Form' and NO 'Function'....enough padding and push-upness to be a flotation device....and, oh yay! the THONGS to MATCH!
WOOOHOOOO!
(all those 'pretties' will be shoved to the back of her drawer when she finds out she's pregnant....and then, once the baby comes....SHE will look wistfully at them....hahaha! Oh shut up. I've 'been there'.)
---the next subject of 'wonder' is the bra with the ginormous implants stitched in to them.
Those suckers weigh about 5 lbs. each!
(I only know this because I've had to move them...)
I like to call these:'False Advertising'...
Kinda like a dude stuffin' a sock in his britches...the 'truth' WILL come 'out'....eventually!
(I'm sure there is a great reason someone would sport 5 pounds of 'gel' strapped on to their chest....right?)
---Bras come in all shapes and sizes...as do women.
The 'strapless' version has always intrigued me.
They NEVER stay up...no wonder the engineering department designs them...seriously! They DO!
You've got 'load', 'angle' and 'torque'...very complicated....
Much like designing a suspension bridge.
Saw one today that was a 38 GG...
(I'll give you a moment.)
In the fashion industry, we call that the 38 'Good GOD!'
THAT is magical! THAT is a 'whole lotta woman'....
(Yes, I had to restrain myself from putting one on my huge skull and trying it out as a HAT!)
---There are some bras that are just a whisper of lace...no pads....very sheer. Nothin to 'em.
These are the 'how do ya like my new boobs?' bras...
Hey if you, or he, bought 'em...show those babies off!
(And donate the 'instant implant' ones!---a good tax write off, and always nice to 'give to charity.')
---the final observation is the teenager who picks out brightly colored/crazy patterned undergarments...
...and hides them in a wad so no one will see what she is trying on....
All I can say is, 'Girl...get ya some nude tones so there is no psychedelic party showin' through your white shirts!
(I'm a mom...I know these things!)
By Friday, I will be done painting...and outta there. No more lingerie stories...
It's been real...ummm....educational and interesting!
Friday afternoon I am helping set up a huge Bridal show....I hope I don't get hives.
(I've been married/divorced twice...)
hahaha!
