'Before I Get Hit By A Bus...'

I was thinking last night about how unpredictable life can be.
You just never know what will happen in the next moment...will I be hit by a bus? Shot with a poison dart? Slip on the floor and konk my head on the counter? Who knows?
Then I started thinking, and remembering things that I want to make sure I tell my kids. Stuff about life, dating,marriage, babies, memories I have of them that still make me smile---and laugh.
So, I am starting this series of Notes for my kids.
I don't want to forget anything about them...and I want them to have references for later---when my alzheimer's kicks into full gear...
Here I go:
You 3 are the best things that have ever---ever---happened to me. Being your mom has been the coolest experience ever! I hope I make you as proud as I am of you. You 3 have beautiful souls, hearts and minds...use them for the greater good.
I will always be here for you no matter what...don't ever be afraid to ask me anything...your momma has done a LOT of living...and seen a LOT of things. Good stuff, and really bad stuff. You cannot shock me---trust that!
You 2 girls know how I feel about boys.
I pray you do not make the same mistakes I have made.
When someone shows you who they are---believe them the first time.
Sometimes being too forgiving can be a problem.
Listen to your gut...it will never fail you.
If a guy ever hits you, or knocks you to the floor---LEAVE.
(Then,call me and come over for a chat...and a drink.)
Words can be just as abusive...and hurt just as bad---LEAVE.
You will 'fall' in love many many times...and your heart will break just as many times. You will live. There will ALWAYS be that one that got away...but trust me, there are so many people in this world who will fit in to yours---right around the corner!
Searching for 'Mr. Right', instead of 'Mr. Right Now', is worth the wait.
There is no such thing as 'one true love'...(unless you become nuns.)
When you finally DO find the 'one'...have him come over. I have a few questions for him...after I finish his back ground check. He will need to bring proof of citizenship, current medical records, and the results from his AIDS and genetic testings. This is required. (Don't laugh!)
People are never really who they say they are...and I don't want you to find this out 6 months in to your marriage.(Been there, done that.)
...and for YOU, my son...in regards to girls.
Treat all females with respect.
Be kind.
Never---NEVER---lie to a woman...she will find out, and 'the wrath of the woman scorned' is not something you want to experience.
I am raising you to be a southern gentleman.You will have lovely table manners...you will NEVER chew with your mouth open.
You will be able to cook, and do your own laundry.(chicks totally dig that.)
I know it sounds 'icky' right now, but girls like flowers, kisses and good long hugs.
Of course, all the girls you go out with will, as well, go through rigorous interviews and background checks.
I'm not letting you go to just anyone. She must be as golden as you are to me!
For all 3 of my kids: You deserve the BEST.
The best life, loves, meaningful work---and I mean that.
If you want to become a female jet fighter pilot? I support you.
If you want to join the circus? Great! (I am coming to.)
You can be whatever will make you truly truly happy...
(I will put my foot down on the knife juggling or becoming a stripper...however, they do make good money in the high class joints. I may reconsider. NO!)

I will let you chew on this Note for a while...as I ponder what else I can tell you.
(and don't forget, I have your naked baby pictures...and I am not afraid to use them! hahaha!)
I love you!
Momma~ xoxoxox

9/25/93: A Comedy of Errors...

This coming September 25th, I would have been married to my X for 16 years...
(Granted the story of WHY he became my X is a whole 'nother post...)

Every wedding has it's kinks and moments...but here are mine from that long forgotten cloudy day in September.

I arrived in VB on Wednesday before the wedding. I had my awesome gal pal W come in and run interference with the mother/mother-in-law. She was amazing---and kept me sane.
My mom had not seen my dress until then...she 'liked' it.
(I had done all of my wedding shopping by myself since I lived 5 hours away at the time. I even had my wedding portraits done alone...had them re-done...doing my own hair and make-up---which is posted))
My grandmother, who had passed away that July, had bought my dress for me. It was the most expensive dress I will ever wear for only 8 total hours...and will never wear again. I loved it though! Very 'old school', off the shoulder...aka: Jackie O-ish.
I made my own veil and 'head piece', and had decorated my own shoes...thrifty? Yes!
Thursday night before the wedding, my best childhood friend, V, had a dinner at her parents house for me...kind of a delayed bachelorette party since all my friends were from out of town. As everyone arrived, I thought,'Man, my girls can dress!'...Turns out the order of the evening was to come dressed as ME...V had gone to China Town in NYC and bought this hideous curly wig, that smelled. My other friends had every stage of my 'fashionista' self on display from my DeadHead days to the college days when I only wore black...and ALL had on frosty purple lipstick---which had been my signature color. It was cool, and embarrassing, all at the same time.
After the dinner, we went to my friend A's house on 61st street and met up with the 'boys'...ironically, an inmate had escaped in to the state forest and a helicopter, with spotlights, kept us company most of the night.
That's when my stomach started going nuts...uh-oh.
The next day was the rehearsal dinner and Bridesmaids luncheon.
The luncheon was lovely---given by my mom's good friends...but I was sick as a dog!
In all the photos I am as pale as my creamy silk jacket...and my bridesmaids all have that 'oh shit' fake smile on.
We all went and got our hair done at a salon...I had mine straightened and put in a chignon...very French...very Moi...and I had that 'killer' red dress...oh man. My red dress rocked the world...(too bad I will never wear it again...I was so sick, I lost at least 5 lbs. in two days!I was 'skinny skinny'!)
The wedding rehearsal was kind of weird. All of my X's groomsmen (all 12) were drunk. They had played golf all day...yeah.
I had planned to walk down the aisle alone because my dad (who was killed in Vietnam in '68) could not be there. Well. That backfired. I started sobbing about half way down the aisle and had to leave the building.(I have ALWAYS missed him---but at that point...I REALLY missed him.)
So, my X and I decided he would walk me down the aisle...we went through the 'dress rehearsal' and headed to the PA Country Club for the rehearsal dinner.
I had stopped hurling by then, and the vodka soda(with lots of limes) kept me going...mainly the coldness of it and the smell of the limes.
After an emotional dinner, with people telling stories about my dad---great, I started crying again---there was an 'after party' around the pool for 'the young people' (This is a southern thing so the grown ups can either go home and go to bed, or break out the good scotch without having to share.)
During the party, I called the Hotel I was staying in with my Maid of Honor that night...and they said my room 'had been cancelled'...WHAT!??!!!
My MOH and I left directly and went to the Hotel. I told them, 'Hello. I am the BRIDE...and about 65 people are staying at this Hotel...you HAVE to find me a room!'
Turns out they had a 'suite that just became available---and it has a hot tub!'----good for them because I would have ripped their eyes out if nothing was available...or slept in the lobby.
I started getting ill again, and my MOH put me in the suite and left....she re-emerged at 3am.(She was dating this totally hot guy at the time, and I totally understood that they needed to, um, spend some time together.)
Meanwhile, I had been hurling...and...oh yeah....popping Imodium now! *gasp*
(I KNOW!)
I stayed in the hot tub until 6 a.m. while my MOH slept...(wench).
We called a pharmacy and got the lovely sugary red anti-nausea liquid stuff for me so I could make it to the 'brunch' the day of the wedding.
It was a lovely brunch---don't get me wrong...but again, if you look at the pictures, all my gals have that 'oh shit!' fake smile...and I look like I am about to faint! Yes, I was...and yes, I was that ill!
3pm, September 25, 1993...game time...
My mom's friend B was our 'wedding nazi'---meaning she was the wedding coordinator...everything was timed to the minute.
My X's groomsmen were hurling in the woods outside the church I found out later...they stayed up later than we did enjoying contraband scotch.
I was hurling in the girls room...and trying to get dressed. I don't think I have ever appreciated ice cubes so much as I did then. I started popping cheez-itz, altoids, and chewing ice...so lovely!
The Bridesmaids bouquets arrived all rich and colorful like an English cutting garden...and there was this freakin MOUND of white roses, freesia, ivy thing---a la Princess Dianna---that I had specifically said I did NOT want for my bouquet. Well, guess what. I was out-voted...and I stared at this 40 lb. freaking Rose Parade float I was supposed to carry...really?
It was time to get dressed.
I hoisted the gown on...of course after one last bathroom pit stop...popping more Imodium, and drinking anti nausea medication like it was a martini.It was weird getting dressed in front of a 'crowd'---I am not an exhibitionist...and I had to leave the room.
My girls were awesome...and they looked great---as good as they could look in those lovely off the shoulder dark purple dresses...and I envied their flowers.
The photog showed up...took some pics, and we were off to the Church.
I stood outside the Vestibule...where I had been Confirmed...trying to soak it all in...kinda in 'la-la land'...I could still run, I thought...but mom had told me the 'reception is paid for...NO backing out now...'
(oh shit.) I felt like I was going to hurl again and hoisted my Rose Float up to my nose...smelled a gardenia...and calmed down.
(WAIT!...my head screamed... I don't think I want to do this!)
Then all eyes were on me in the back of the Church...my X took my arm...the music started...(I was glad I had brought a lovely brown paper towel from the girls room...my biggest fear was hurling at the altar!)
Before I knew it, I was at the altar with the minister and all these smiling faces...and I was trying to focus...not cry...and definitely not get sick.
--this is when the 'if I knew then what I know now' phrase seems appropriate.--
(*side note to my kids: I DID love your father when I married him---or rather what I thought I knew of him.*)
I made it though the ceremony...and out of the Church...straight to the girls room---again.
(Question: Any of yall tried to use the girls room in a wedding dress---with petticoats, no less???)
We all met back in the church for pictures afterwards...
The wedding photog was a crime scene/autopsy photog during the week---weddings were his weekend gig. Whenever he tried to take a pic, he would stand on a chair, and his lights would fall over...or he would. Nice.
The Groomsmen were patronizing and rowdy. My girls maintained their composure---and class.
My bro-in-law drove us to the Oceana Naval Base Officers Club for the reception...we rode in 'the White Shadow'---my beloved father-in-laws car...I rolled the windows down for some fresh air.
The reception was really lovely...mom spared no expense, and the food was amazing. I loved that we were on a Navy base and on the ocean.(Again, I missed my dad.)
However, the Jet-Jockeys were next door in the Officers Bar....so, besides the eye candy, I thought maybe my girls would meet someone!
The traditional dances and photographs(by the autopsy guy) ensued...we danced, sang, and my X drank...a lot. All of my extended family were there.
We had a reception line---which I highly recommend. I said hello to everyone...I hope!(Note to self: when the girls get married, designate a 'lipstick/powder person...or build pockets in to dress)
Time to go...
I went back in to the Officers Quarters with my girls, and my mom...and got out of my dress and in to my 'going away suit'---another Southern thing....my girls put my shoes on because I was so ill!
Rice in my face and an amazing vintage car to drive us away---Thank you's to mom...goodbyes to my friends...'
And we were off....
Champagne bucket in the back with us...My X drank the whole bottle himself...I ate the ice. We stopped at my mom's house and I left her a thank you note (after I got sick---again---in her bathroom)...and we were off to Norfolk to spend the night in wedded 'bliss'...and get on our flight to St. Martin the next morning...(or so I thought.)

Every bride has a mystical idea of her wedding night. I had bought this amazing ice blue gown---a la 1940's movie star---to 'present myself' in....hahahah!
Turns out...My X was smoking a cigarette in the bed, holding a bourbon drink in the other hand ---and the PHONE was crooked against his ear connected to the Hospitality Suite at the Hotel at the Beach...!!!! He had PASSED OUT.
Nice. I hung up the phone---after a few choice words with his frat brothers on the other end...put his cigarette out...put his drink on the table...and...changed in to my Tshirt and socks.
I then proceeded to eat the heck out of the reception food that had been sent with us. We slept in separate beds...Romantic, eh?
The next morning, 'Einstein' realized that he had misread the itinerary....as we left the Hotel...our flight to St. Martin flew over our heads.
How fun it was to see all of the guests catching their flights that afternoon at Norfolk International....
We finally made it to St. Martin...which in itself is 'a whole 'nother story!'
Again, I say...A Comedy Of Errors....
(Stay tuned for 'The Honeymoon')

Dear Roxy....

...When we adopted you in August of 2008, they told us you were 'a year to a year and a half old'.
Come to find out today----you were only FIVE months old.(yes, I finally read ALL your papers.)
Someone 'surrendered' you to the pound at a mere 4 months old! How could they?
I know you were the prettiest puppy...they must have had to move away....However, the scar on your nose, still remains a mystery.
Sweet sweet Roxanne Von Bacheler.
I must apologize to you.
For all the things you chewed up....and I was so angry with you.
For the time I even thought about adopting you out to another family because 'surely an 18 month old would NOT destroy my furniture'.
But, alas, you were but a 'wee lass'.
We love you Rox. With your pretty eyeliner, sweet ways, and your occasional 'badness'...I now understand. And I forgive you, my love!
Let's start over...shall we?
xoxox Your Momma 'Dog',
Kat~

My Apologies....

I realize that bad behavior trickles down....
So, for any of my gal pals who are having difficulties with their kids...I offer you my sincerest apologies...and here's how it all started.
I told my 14 and 11 year old children to STOP calling each other 'fat' as a cut-down.
The fighting continued throughout the summer, and they adopted the loving names to call each other:'muffin top'....and 'man boobs'.
Nice. Yeah, I know.
So I told them NOT to say that in front of their 4 yr. old sister---because knowing how things go, she'd get mad at a boy in her class and call him 'man boobs'.
And, that's just WRONG.
So then, my 4 yr.old spent a day with her 6 yr. old cousin...who taught her all kinds of surly and unlady-like things.
First: it is NOT funny when you poot and announce it to everyone. NO. It is NOT.
Second: the clinching of the fists, and the stomping off has GOT to stop. It's disrespectful...and by the way: when a grown up tells you to do something...DO IT---do NOT throw attitude around. You are 4!
Third: we do NOT say 'nanneeenanneeeboobooo'. Period. It is disrespectful, and unladylike.
Fourth: yes, you, my 4 yr. old, WILL wear a seat belt...you WILL sit in a carseat and you WILL wear a bike helmet---I don't CARE that your 6yr.old cousin is not required to.
Fifth: you will NOT tease your younger friends and act like you are the 'sh#t'...you have to follow the same rules she does!
So,my gals, when your child comes home and pinches the baby....because my 4 yr. old was a 'pill' and her big brother/sister were being horrible to each other and inevitably started the chain reaction---which has affected your kids...I apologize!

I Met An Exotic Dancer Today In Target...

I was standing in the line at Target. M was about to melt down, and I was thinking---'get me outta here!'
The girl in front of me (petite, mousy, wearing librarian glasses...looked like a nerdy Jewish girl I knew in High School) was buying funky nail polish colors, extreme make-up colors, and a make up trunk---by 'trunk', I mean a metal, opens to 50drawers, make-up TRUNK.
I commented on how cool her nail colors were...and how that was a 'mac-daddy make-up case'...
She said, 'yeah, I am always looking for something different...and my make-up bag ripped the other night.'
'Oh, really?' I say,'I used to do professional theatre and was always jealous of the girls with the trunks like that...'
She said,'Yeah! I know! I was always thinking what the heck? Why do the girls I work with need a trunk?...then I realized I needed a trunk for all my different looks...'
'So, are you a dancer?' I asked...
'Yes, I am'....she said.
'Wow! What kind of dance do you do?' I asked, thinking she is part of a ballet company or something---she is so tiny!
She looks down, pauses and sheepishly says, 'I am an exotic dancer...'
'Really?' I say, concealing my...ummm...amazement.
I asked her 'how did you get in to that?'...because I am obnoxiously chatty....
She said she used to work at PetCo, and she went swimming one day with a friend who was a waitress at 'The Foxxy Lady' here in Raleigh....and the girl said she should consider dancing...and she did!
'It's not 'me'...it's a persona...' she said.
(I nod in agreement...as a performer, I understand.)
'I would never ask my real life friends to come watch me, and I would never invite any of the girls I work with in to my private life...'
'Cool, I get it...' I say.
She went on to tell me she works in Raleigh, Durham, and Wilmington....
She said she likes to 'change up' her looks because when she is 'gone for a week at a time, they miss me...'
Of course, vicariously, I am seeing myself at some high class strip bar wearing a brunette wig and hot white platform hooker pumps....and I start laughing at myself---I could never do that----well, at least not after having 3 kids...but I could bartend...and be a bouncer, sort of!
Anyway, we said our good-byes, and off she went.
M and I walked out to the parking lot, and damn if she wasn't pulling out in a brand new Honda Accord...with plates that said 'Miss Prissy'...
'Exotic Dancing' apparently pays well.
Then I got to thinkin'....NAAAHHHH!
(hahahaha!)

The Luna Moth

Last night my family and I had the absolute thrill of seeing a Luna Moth.
I say 'thrill' because I can only recall seeing one three times in my life.
The first time I was at Camp Alleghany, about age 13...it was on the side of the tennis shed.
The second time, it was on our front porch light fixture. I remember getting my kids, then about 5 and 3 to come out and see it...I was 34.
Last night was the third sighting...
I made my husband, son and daughter come and see.
The Luna Moth is one of the most beautiful creations I have ever seen. It has a fluffy white body, and it's antennae look like small ferns. The wings are very large, and delicate...with 'eyes' on them....and the color of the Luna is the most magical green.
A friend told me this morning, that in some cultures, it is considered a 'good omen' to see one...I hope that is true!
According to my personal time span between sightings, I should be in my 50's the next time I am lucky enough to see one.
I wonder what I will be doing then?

Our Night at the ER...(Happy 14th, NaNa!)

The day started out great!
NaNa was 14 on the 14th---Bastille Day! Viva la France! Viva la NaNa!
(my 3 kids have all been born on holidays....Bastille Day, Pearl Harbor Day, and Leap Year, but, I digress.)
We finished our Day Camps, picked up Mia and Mimi D and headed to the Mall to do some birthday shopping and eat dinner...simple, yet festive!
We shopped a bit, and then went to enjoy a meal at Max and Erma's...everyone was excited for the special gourmet cupcakes waiting for us at Mimi's house later!
Our meal was good, the kids got along, everything was great.
Mimi went to the ladies room while we waited for the check...20 minutes went by...no Mimi.
I went to go check on her, jokingly saying,'I'll go make sure she hasn't passed out or something'...telling the 3 kids to wait at the table.
Holy COW!
She was ill in the bathroom...and I mean, ILL....and dizzy and about to pass out!
(for a brief second I imagined myself a psychic.)
Over the next 45 minutes, things got worse.
I got the kids out strolling--trolling---the Mall, so I could help my mom.
Have you ever been in that weird place...wondering if you should call 911? I was there.
I got Mall Security, and we decided to call in the paramedics...mom was mortified---and I knew she would kill me later....but for now, she needed more help than I could give her.
I am sure the customers wondered 'what the heck' when the gurney came rolling in all jangling with equipment, paramedics, oxygen tanks....good Lord!
(and no, no hottie EMS guys....but the man and woman were pleasant enough.)
By this point my mom was so dizzy, and kinda out of it, so she was 'non-combative'...(I only say this because later, CJ---the girl EMT---told us the call before that she had had to duck for cover and restrain a patient.)
This moment may be one of the only ones in which I am glad my teenager has a cell phone....we were calling and texting each other the whole time with updates...
So, they wheel mom out of the back of the restaurant, and I go find my kids...they were on the verge of a little tiny freak out...but this 'is going to be an exciting adventure...and we get to follow an ambulance---COOL! Right?'
Yeah!
The Mall Security guy---who was 7 feet tall, and had on a Hello Kitty' bandaid---was really nice...(and he was a Tarheel fan.)He waited with us while the ambulance got started up. Hey! And a guy on one of those 2 wheeled things---a la Paul Blart Mall Cop---whizzed by...the kids were thrilled.
NaNa was texting up a storm,and the kids in the back were 'maintaining'.
We finally arrive at the NGeneral Hospital Emergency Room.
I had to park in a sketchy ER parking lot...telling my kids 'move quickly and stick close to me---and DON'T touch anything!'
Ohhhhh. The joys of an ER waiting room...with 3 kids. I told them they better NOT have to pee because they were NOT using this restroom! Thank God for the vending machines as I broke all the rules and let them have 'brown sodas' and Doritos...
Mom had been checked in to a room in the back....triage I guess.
It was around 9pm.
I sat with my kids for a bit...assuring the kids 'MiMi has a bad tummy ache, but she will be ok...' I snuck a few Doritos and pillaged the Dr. Peppers...again, breaking my own food rules.
There were police officers everywhere.
I was not scared...really---but my vivid imagination was contemplating a drive by shooter or two women breaking in to a knife fight over a man...and then there was the guy looking at dirty pics on his cell phone with the oozing wound on his hand...now THAT scared me.
I called my friend Mary after I got my wits back together. I needed someone to be with my kids so I could go back and check on mom. ('Oozing Wound Guy' was freaking me out.)
It was dark out now...and the 'unusuals' were emerging.
My kids eyes were like saucers watching a cussing, drunk, homeless lady being rolled out on to the street...then there was the charming 'lady' who was asking around,'hey...you got a cigarette?' in her low gravelly voice...
I told my kids to 'stay small and quiet...' Mia piped in,'like a mouse, momma?'...(YES!).
Somehow I can never get her to sing her 'Jesus Song' from Bible School when I ask, but she decided now was a good time...and she was really 'giving it her all'.
So then my giggles started.
I hate it! Whenever I get super stressed, I start giggling...I get the giggles at 'inappropriate' times...after a car wreck, injury, church, funerals, court...I can't stop.It was handy now though, because then my kids started to laugh---wondering why---but still we were all 'cheery'...if anything, we looked like we were waiting for the 'special van' from the asylum to come get us...
Mary arrived---thank you Jesus---and I got to go back to see mom.
(oh, but not before a charming picture badge was made for me, and THEN the nice policeman---wearing rubber gloves--- let me through the locked door...I wondered if I could have some rubber gloves...or a jumpsuit?)
Poor mom was in bad shape.
She was hooked up to an IV...nausea meds dripping in. She was shivering and I got her more blankets. I took off her jewelry for her, and found a nifty ziplock Specimen bag to stow it all in...
Gee, and lucky for us, 'Big Brother' was blaring on the tv...and no one could find the remote---or reach the off button. Seriously?
(I was amazed at how 'blasse' the ER nurses were. I know they are over worked and underpaid, but this was my mom...ok? I was glad I was there to be a 'patient advocate' for her....but I digress.)
My daughter was texting me from the waiting room...'I am tired....when can we go'....etc., etc....Mary was an angel and took my kids back to her house---she has 3kids also...probably had nothing else to do but to bring 3 more home...ha!
It was 10pm.
Mom's blood work FINALLY came back---everything normal. 'Gastroenteritis...'
I had this affliction a month before my first wedding....was hospitalized for 3 days...it ain't pretty.(although it is a great way to lose 10 lbs in 3 days.)
Well, I thought, at least they will keep her over night to hydrate her, and watch her.
No.
(WHAT?)
No...the nurse said they'd 'release her in a few hours'...
(again, WHAT?)
Mom could not even sit up without getting ill...and I was going to be driving her 30 minutes back to her house at the Beach...and how the heck was I going to get her in to the house, up stairs...she was so weak! Mom did suggest bringing lots of beach towels and garbage bags...lovely.
(Maybe Mia would sing me the 'Jesus Song'.)
CJ ,the EMT, came and checked on mom...she was really sweet.
There was a ruckus in the hall and lots of police and detective looking guys...I pulled the privacy curtain...one of the policemen said, 'One more arrest this week and I get a toaster oven'...I saw dirty feet roll by on a gurney.
Mary brought the kids back to me at the ER...and thankfully waited and watched us load up in to my truck.
(Turns out, there had been a stabbing in that very parking lot an hour before....wonder if it was over a man? See! I was not far off, huh?)
It was 11pm.
...and we headed back to mom's. I was going to 'get the kids settled'--ha!---and turn around and go get mom from the ER. (My 14 year old would be in charge of holding down the fort.)The kids were jacked up on Doritos and Dr. Pepper...and all were thrilled to be up past bedtime.
1130-ish, I got everyone in bed---not asleep---but 'in' bed.
I was so tired I could not even form sentences correctly...and I was calling my kids by each other's names, pets names, 'you---boychild', etc.!
Then the phone rang---it was Mom!
She said the Doc was keeping her over night because she was so dizzy...and I did not have to drive back (the 30 minutes)to Norfolk and get her....
(pipe in Mormon Tabernacle Chior singing,'Aaaaalllleeeelllluuuuuuuu-YAAH!')
Holy COW!
Wow...I finally got to exhale...then everything was replaying in my head...as I hosed myself down with antibacterial gel.
Mom came home the next morning---thanks to her friend Lou for driving, and stocking the freezer with Jell-o, Ginger Ale and Pediasure popsicles!
I took Mia to my Altered Books Camp with me, and my kids went on to Day Camps...

Never a dull moment, yall. Ever.