9/25/93: A Comedy of Errors...

This coming September 25th, I would have been married to my X for 16 years...
(Granted the story of WHY he became my X is a whole 'nother post...)

Every wedding has it's kinks and moments...but here are mine from that long forgotten cloudy day in September.

I arrived in VB on Wednesday before the wedding. I had my awesome gal pal W come in and run interference with the mother/mother-in-law. She was amazing---and kept me sane.
My mom had not seen my dress until then...she 'liked' it.
(I had done all of my wedding shopping by myself since I lived 5 hours away at the time. I even had my wedding portraits done alone...had them re-done...doing my own hair and make-up---which is posted))
My grandmother, who had passed away that July, had bought my dress for me. It was the most expensive dress I will ever wear for only 8 total hours...and will never wear again. I loved it though! Very 'old school', off the shoulder...aka: Jackie O-ish.
I made my own veil and 'head piece', and had decorated my own shoes...thrifty? Yes!
Thursday night before the wedding, my best childhood friend, V, had a dinner at her parents house for me...kind of a delayed bachelorette party since all my friends were from out of town. As everyone arrived, I thought,'Man, my girls can dress!'...Turns out the order of the evening was to come dressed as ME...V had gone to China Town in NYC and bought this hideous curly wig, that smelled. My other friends had every stage of my 'fashionista' self on display from my DeadHead days to the college days when I only wore black...and ALL had on frosty purple lipstick---which had been my signature color. It was cool, and embarrassing, all at the same time.
After the dinner, we went to my friend A's house on 61st street and met up with the 'boys'...ironically, an inmate had escaped in to the state forest and a helicopter, with spotlights, kept us company most of the night.
That's when my stomach started going nuts...uh-oh.
The next day was the rehearsal dinner and Bridesmaids luncheon.
The luncheon was lovely---given by my mom's good friends...but I was sick as a dog!
In all the photos I am as pale as my creamy silk jacket...and my bridesmaids all have that 'oh shit' fake smile on.
We all went and got our hair done at a salon...I had mine straightened and put in a chignon...very French...very Moi...and I had that 'killer' red dress...oh man. My red dress rocked the world...(too bad I will never wear it again...I was so sick, I lost at least 5 lbs. in two days!I was 'skinny skinny'!)
The wedding rehearsal was kind of weird. All of my X's groomsmen (all 12) were drunk. They had played golf all day...yeah.
I had planned to walk down the aisle alone because my dad (who was killed in Vietnam in '68) could not be there. Well. That backfired. I started sobbing about half way down the aisle and had to leave the building.(I have ALWAYS missed him---but at that point...I REALLY missed him.)
So, my X and I decided he would walk me down the aisle...we went through the 'dress rehearsal' and headed to the PA Country Club for the rehearsal dinner.
I had stopped hurling by then, and the vodka soda(with lots of limes) kept me going...mainly the coldness of it and the smell of the limes.
After an emotional dinner, with people telling stories about my dad---great, I started crying again---there was an 'after party' around the pool for 'the young people' (This is a southern thing so the grown ups can either go home and go to bed, or break out the good scotch without having to share.)
During the party, I called the Hotel I was staying in with my Maid of Honor that night...and they said my room 'had been cancelled'...WHAT!??!!!
My MOH and I left directly and went to the Hotel. I told them, 'Hello. I am the BRIDE...and about 65 people are staying at this Hotel...you HAVE to find me a room!'
Turns out they had a 'suite that just became available---and it has a hot tub!'----good for them because I would have ripped their eyes out if nothing was available...or slept in the lobby.
I started getting ill again, and my MOH put me in the suite and left....she re-emerged at 3am.(She was dating this totally hot guy at the time, and I totally understood that they needed to, um, spend some time together.)
Meanwhile, I had been hurling...and...oh yeah....popping Imodium now! *gasp*
(I KNOW!)
I stayed in the hot tub until 6 a.m. while my MOH slept...(wench).
We called a pharmacy and got the lovely sugary red anti-nausea liquid stuff for me so I could make it to the 'brunch' the day of the wedding.
It was a lovely brunch---don't get me wrong...but again, if you look at the pictures, all my gals have that 'oh shit!' fake smile...and I look like I am about to faint! Yes, I was...and yes, I was that ill!
3pm, September 25, 1993...game time...
My mom's friend B was our 'wedding nazi'---meaning she was the wedding coordinator...everything was timed to the minute.
My X's groomsmen were hurling in the woods outside the church I found out later...they stayed up later than we did enjoying contraband scotch.
I was hurling in the girls room...and trying to get dressed. I don't think I have ever appreciated ice cubes so much as I did then. I started popping cheez-itz, altoids, and chewing ice...so lovely!
The Bridesmaids bouquets arrived all rich and colorful like an English cutting garden...and there was this freakin MOUND of white roses, freesia, ivy thing---a la Princess Dianna---that I had specifically said I did NOT want for my bouquet. Well, guess what. I was out-voted...and I stared at this 40 lb. freaking Rose Parade float I was supposed to carry...really?
It was time to get dressed.
I hoisted the gown on...of course after one last bathroom pit stop...popping more Imodium, and drinking anti nausea medication like it was a martini.It was weird getting dressed in front of a 'crowd'---I am not an exhibitionist...and I had to leave the room.
My girls were awesome...and they looked great---as good as they could look in those lovely off the shoulder dark purple dresses...and I envied their flowers.
The photog showed up...took some pics, and we were off to the Church.
I stood outside the Vestibule...where I had been Confirmed...trying to soak it all in...kinda in 'la-la land'...I could still run, I thought...but mom had told me the 'reception is paid for...NO backing out now...'
(oh shit.) I felt like I was going to hurl again and hoisted my Rose Float up to my nose...smelled a gardenia...and calmed down.
(WAIT!...my head screamed... I don't think I want to do this!)
Then all eyes were on me in the back of the Church...my X took my arm...the music started...(I was glad I had brought a lovely brown paper towel from the girls room...my biggest fear was hurling at the altar!)
Before I knew it, I was at the altar with the minister and all these smiling faces...and I was trying to focus...not cry...and definitely not get sick.
--this is when the 'if I knew then what I know now' phrase seems appropriate.--
(*side note to my kids: I DID love your father when I married him---or rather what I thought I knew of him.*)
I made it though the ceremony...and out of the Church...straight to the girls room---again.
(Question: Any of yall tried to use the girls room in a wedding dress---with petticoats, no less???)
We all met back in the church for pictures afterwards...
The wedding photog was a crime scene/autopsy photog during the week---weddings were his weekend gig. Whenever he tried to take a pic, he would stand on a chair, and his lights would fall over...or he would. Nice.
The Groomsmen were patronizing and rowdy. My girls maintained their composure---and class.
My bro-in-law drove us to the Oceana Naval Base Officers Club for the reception...we rode in 'the White Shadow'---my beloved father-in-laws car...I rolled the windows down for some fresh air.
The reception was really lovely...mom spared no expense, and the food was amazing. I loved that we were on a Navy base and on the ocean.(Again, I missed my dad.)
However, the Jet-Jockeys were next door in the Officers Bar....so, besides the eye candy, I thought maybe my girls would meet someone!
The traditional dances and photographs(by the autopsy guy) ensued...we danced, sang, and my X drank...a lot. All of my extended family were there.
We had a reception line---which I highly recommend. I said hello to everyone...I hope!(Note to self: when the girls get married, designate a 'lipstick/powder person...or build pockets in to dress)
Time to go...
I went back in to the Officers Quarters with my girls, and my mom...and got out of my dress and in to my 'going away suit'---another Southern thing....my girls put my shoes on because I was so ill!
Rice in my face and an amazing vintage car to drive us away---Thank you's to mom...goodbyes to my friends...'
And we were off....
Champagne bucket in the back with us...My X drank the whole bottle himself...I ate the ice. We stopped at my mom's house and I left her a thank you note (after I got sick---again---in her bathroom)...and we were off to Norfolk to spend the night in wedded 'bliss'...and get on our flight to St. Martin the next morning...(or so I thought.)

Every bride has a mystical idea of her wedding night. I had bought this amazing ice blue gown---a la 1940's movie star---to 'present myself' in....hahahah!
Turns out...My X was smoking a cigarette in the bed, holding a bourbon drink in the other hand ---and the PHONE was crooked against his ear connected to the Hospitality Suite at the Hotel at the Beach...!!!! He had PASSED OUT.
Nice. I hung up the phone---after a few choice words with his frat brothers on the other end...put his cigarette out...put his drink on the table...and...changed in to my Tshirt and socks.
I then proceeded to eat the heck out of the reception food that had been sent with us. We slept in separate beds...Romantic, eh?
The next morning, 'Einstein' realized that he had misread the itinerary....as we left the Hotel...our flight to St. Martin flew over our heads.
How fun it was to see all of the guests catching their flights that afternoon at Norfolk International....
We finally made it to St. Martin...which in itself is 'a whole 'nother story!'
Again, I say...A Comedy Of Errors....
(Stay tuned for 'The Honeymoon')