Not that I can or will, but I can fantasize...I love my family, and my life...but a girl can dream...and laugh!Here's how it would go, yall:
In the middle of the night,(3a.m.-ish) when the dog starts barking, you, my love, can get out of the nice warm bed---bumping around in the darkness like Helen Keller--- and let her out....wait for her to do her business, and hope she does not start howling at the rabbits.
Oh...she stepped in poo? Go find a 'dog towel'(in garage)...re-kennel dog, or she will eat the furniture.
When the baby needs to be nursed(every 3 hours)---pony up dude! Enjoy.
And when there's the inevitable 'blow out diaper' and you can't find any wipes, deal with it.
(this only applies when there is an infant in the house, obviously we are past that point.)
When the toddler has a night terror and cannot be consoled, you get to sleep in the twin bed with her---have fun getting punched in the face, having your hair pulled,and kicked in the gut because she's a restless sleeper.
Hopefully she will remain asleep and not wake up and try to stick her finger in your eye, or up your nose.
You will learn to live with the back pain, and crick in your neck--I suggest Motrin.
When the baby has a crusty, snotty---resembling green snails--- nose, use your own sleeve to wipe it off---it is not a biohazard.
(Fever? Thermometers are for amatuers...put your cheek on her head.You'll know.)
No, your coffee will not be ready when you get up in the morning...make it yourself.
While you are waiting and waiting for it to brew, jump on those dishes in the sink....(the dishwasher is that big shiny thing to the right)...
...feed, and get water for, the dog...let her out again.
Kids...wake yourselves up, find your own clothes, socks and shoes...I have no idea where you left them.
Breakfast? Hmm let's see...I think it's in the kitchen? And when you make your own school lunches, all carbs does not count as healthy.
...and don't forget your homework, class project, and permission slips.
Your soccer uniform, cleats, schin guards and socks are probably still in a muddy sweaty pile in your room---along with your damp bath towel...I'd start there looking for them.
(No, I still don't know where your shoes are.)
After your coffee, remember, you can only use the restroom with an audience....all the time.(or, if you lock the door---which I highly recommend---be ready to see how many little race cars can zoom under the door....be prepared to shoot them back through.)
Forget about that relaxing steamy morning shower...unless you need an audience as well.
(Again, I suggest locking the door...unless you are really ready for the inevitable anatomy question and answer period...which will most definitely be 'shared' with people at the market.)
If you would like 25 minutes, put in a DVD...can't find the Strawberry Shortcake video to occupy said audience...hmmm...try Sponge Bob.
The continuous knocking on the door should not alarm you...she probably is not wearing pants and has had 'a accident!'...or put shampoo on the dog and dusted the dog with powder.
Maybe she gave your nice watch to the dog to play with?
Remain calm---she was 'just helping,.' (smile!)
No you don't get to dry your hair, or shave...and please clean out the sink if you do.
Scoop the catbox and put it in the outside trash...pull the can to the street if you remember which day is garbage day....and don't forget the recycle stuff...keep looking...there are always a few cans that get away.
While you get dressed---you will be stopping everything to deal with hurt feelings, scraped knees, splinters and kid fights...so, be quick about it.
(No, I don't know where your shoes are either...maybe the dog ate them because you did not put them up?)
Everyone, make your own beds. Pick up your own toys...and books.
Remember to turn off all the lights before you leave the house...and let in and kennel the dog. (don't forget her treat!)
Find your own keys.
No, you can't just get in the car and go.
You have to buckle the toddler in to her car seat, give her a book...did you remember a sippy cup?
The big kids will fight over who gets the front seat...and no, 'poopy diaper head' is not a compliment.
The kicking in the base of your seat would be the toddler---don't be alarmed...you will get used to it.
Enjoy the many many renditions of preschool songs...sung, then yelled...and just keep the radio on top 40, bc you can't listen to the sports network.
Whomever ended up in the back seat will always pick on the other in the front---just block it out.(Change your name for the day to Umberto, and tell them you will not answer unless addressed by this name.)
When you get to your destination...no, you can't just get out of the car and walk in.
Get toddler out and while holding on to her, grab her backpack...she will want you to carry all 35lbs. of her in to the building.
Drop off child---don't linger even if she gives you the big teary puppy eyes.
Its better to 'stop-drop- and run'...RUN!
When you return home ('office') you can have another cup of coffee and listen to CNN...in the meantime, switch over the laundry, and put in another load.
I suggest you seperate the lights and darks...make sure there is not a Pullup hidden in there---they expand and blow up in the washer...it's a mess.
Next, the dog needs to be walked...good luck figuring out the harness.
I have faith you will get it---eventually.
When you return from 30 minute 'pull-fest' (aka: walk) with dog, give her some water. This is her naptime, so, she will go sleep on the sofa...she is not allowed to sleep on the good sofa so close monitoring is encouraged.
Switch dry laundry to baskets---there will be one for each person in the house...I suggest folding as you put them in...saves time when you will be putting everyones laundry away---if you ever get to that.
Switch wet laundry to dryer...start another load.
(Check that dog is not on good sofa.)
Eat a protien bar/banana/apple if you feel woozy---you don't have time to eat.
Clean up breakfast dishes---putting them in the sink does NOT count...again, look for the big shiny thing to the right---that's where they go!
Answer emails, return calls, make doctors appointments...make notes to stick on everybody's doors regarding said appointments.
(Jot them on wall calender and in your book---you will be responsible for re-reminding everyone.)
Twice a week(or more), vaccuum...let dog out bc she will bark herself crazy at the machine.
Once a week change sheets on all beds, clean toilets, showers, floors.
(gather, daily, the endless laundry)
If the dog yacks in her kennel, this must be dealt with immediately.
Clean up warm gooey goodness...and try not to yack yourself!
Put all dirty dog bedding in washing machine---when the last load finishes.
If yack is on rug....clean up with recycle grocery bags....use little carpet machine...you can figure that one out. (and you have to let the dog out again bc she will bark at this machine as well.)Think of something for dinner, and try to go to market while all kids are gone...(instructions to follow if you have to take all 3 with you.)
Upon return,unload groceries, clean up bags, wipe down counters.
Try to focus and make jewelry...or think of design ideas for clients.
Contact clients, work on website...hunt for business opportunities.
1250---pick up toddler.
Inevitably, she will not have eaten her lunch, so, prepare to eat out, or cook at home....She could be in a great mood, but more than likely she will be tired ,cranky and ornery.
'No' and 'I DONT WANT TOOOO" will seem the only speech pattern she is able to speak.
Since she no longer naps...she will be instrumental in 'helping out' the rest of the day...the whining kind of becomes like background music.
Learn that,'say please', 'we don't hit/yell/ stick our fingers in our nose' as well as 'do you need to go potty' will be the most repeated phrases of your day.
Carry loads of laundry upstairs, and put away.......and try to remember that you are a college educated adult...OK?
I don't want to overwhelm you, so, I will leave you with this....kind of like an 'appetizer'.
The afternoon and evening 'shifts' are to come.
All my love....'Wife/Mom'
ps: I turned my cell phone off.
