The 'Joys' of Pregnancy and Childbirth: Baby #1

It is said, and widely known, that pregnacy and childbirth are the greatest 'joys' of a woman's life...every mom has similiar stories...but here is mine...the first of THREE.
(I am mainly writing this in case of the onset of early alzheimer's)
I was a bit freaked out when I found out I was pregnant with 'Baby #1'...
What a cruel joke that my body was actually gonna have to do what it was designed to do---and reproduce! Don't get me wrong---I was psyched!...and scared out of my wits...no more 'tomboy' for 40 weeks, at least.
The ultimate first 'cruel joke' was the 'pregnancy test'...seriously.
Peeing on a stick? huh? Now you boys have extreme control over your 'urine flow'...I know this bc my son has demonstrated his 'pen(is)manship' in the snow---impressive! However, back in 1994, those things were NOT what they are today...let us leave it at that. It came out 'positive'...or at least it had two lines on it...which according to the directions meant 'pregnant'...
I told my cat, Jesse, first bc a.) he was right there and b.)my husband (now X) was out partying with friends...I told him when he got home...(he said '...cool.' and went straight to bed...by himself I might add.)
I went to my OB/GYN doc soon after the lovely 'stick test' just to double check.
...and was relieved that in fact, no, they don't do a 'kill-the-rabbit' test any more!...Instead they do an 'ultrasound'...cool! I thought...a little gel on my tummy, and I'll see the baby...uh. NO! My doc whips out this wand-like thing---that hummed like Darth Vaders lightstick...YIKES! Turns out you don't get the 'fun' (non-invasive) ultra sound until later...
I was 'ill' for the next 22 weeks.
We lived in a duplex with a shared vent system at the time. My neighbor liked to cook onions and liver late at night...enough said. BLLLEEECCHHHK!
For some reason, the only thing that made me actually 'hurl' was grape juice---still can't drink it.
(wine? yes I can...)
So then I hit the 'cute pregnant' weeks....aw, how cute!
A basketball stomach and 'full luscious' bosoms...eeewah. Don't get me wrong...as an artist and illustrator I can appreciate a beautiful 'decollette'...but not with the expanding stomach to match.For the first time in my life I had cleavage...to me it was like having two ginormous water balloons strapped to my chest...they were heavy and jiggly...again, I say 'eeewaahhh!'
My body was out of my control...
I was gaining weight hand over fist. I craved homemade onion dip (the kind you make with soup mix) and chocolate milkshakes.
I did find out what I was having---a girl! Cool! I knew what to do with a girl...
I remember telling my then sister-in-law that I was having a girl...and she said,'I hate you.'...and she meant it! (She has 4 boys...kharma?Of course, poor thing, only has one ovary...bless her heart.)
That was pretty much the end of our 'friendship.'
After the 'cute pregnant' stage I realized that my fingers were turning into sausages and my face was swolt up like a bad bloat from Chinese food...my lips were so big, I could hardly form words toward the end...again, I say,'attractive'!
(No wonder the song 'Brick House' was in a continuos loop in my head...)
I wore my running shoes from the time I got up in the morning until I went to bed...hoping that some sort of foot binding would keep my feet in check...plus, it was hard to tie my shoes!
Fast forward to July 13th, 1995...
It had been 100 degrees plus that week...and it did not help with my bloated orca-ness...
Mom came up to see the 'King and I' at Mill Mt. Theatre with me...my baby shower was the next night...
All during the performance I sat in the aisle...or rather laid down in the aisle bc I was so uncomfortable...we got home later...and my water broke! (HOLY CRAP!)
I was not due for 4 more weeks!
My (X) husband got home from a night out with the boys (wearing a sombrero I must add) at 2 a.m...
I had been laboring for 3 hours.When I told him it was 'go time'...he swayed and said...'cool.'
I was trying to figure out how the heck to time contractions...all that info from birthing classes? Out the window.
My X went and took a nice hot shower...'to wake up'.
As the steam tumbled from the bathroom, I was doubled over in pain watching the timing device.
X exited his 'invigorating' shower,and he casually got fully dressed---including shoes and baseball hat---and got in the bed and ...went to sleep...!!!!
(If only I could have shot poison darts from my eyes...)
So, I labored all night by myself...mom was a nervous wreck and I could not focus with her in the room...my cats kept me company, and 'chirpy purred' when I was going through contractions.
Finally around 630 a.m., I could not take it any more... I called my doc (my back door neighbor) and he said 'come on in'...and started giggling...???
I roused the sleeping 'prince' and he stumbled to the car...I lumbered down the 27 steps, of our house on a hill, to the car...by myself thank you...and we were off.
X added, quite comically,as we got on the road, that 'wow...I'm still drunk!'...and all I could think of was 'oh great...DUI on the way to the hospital...' PERFECT! He drove in the wrong direction in to the hospital driveway and dropped me off...I registered...and said 'gimme all the drugs you have for pain, and keep'em comin'!' (I was already a 'nurses favorite'...) I am HILARIOUS under stress!
They wheeled me up to my room...gave me a 'sexy little cotton number' gown to put on and said,'we'll be back'...I felt really really really alone.
However I did not have time to think about it bc...here came another lovely contraction...breathe breathe breathe....
I waited and waited and thought and thought and thought.
Geez. I hope I don't have to have a Csection---saw the video on Discovery Channel...I did not want my innards flopped up on my stomach, sewn back together, and then stuffed back in my body like a turkey on Thanksgiving...ah...food...I had not eaten anything since lunch the day before...I was hungry...the woozy kind of hungry. The 'I will kill for food' kind of hungry.
My labor nurse finally arrived with tubes, machines,needles, IV's...everything but a Mariacci Band---which would have been a nice touch at this point.
Eventually, my X made it to the room---oh joy.
He was thrilled to find out that the chair tilted back and made a bed...and he laid down and took a nap.
My doc---who I adored (X Navy fighter pilot--what's not to love?) came to see me later in the a.m....I could do this...he was there!
The next couple hours were filled with measuring, monitoring, and breathing...and wishing I could eat some food...
During the 'down time' my X went to the cafeteria and ate...and even brought a bag o doritos, and a cup of coffee, back to the room...I made him go out in the hall to eat and drink---'dragon lady' (me) was hungry and thirsty!
The nurse, a sweetheart and my companion, checked me...which for you guys out there, the only way I could describe it to you...(bc you guys don't have 'cha-cha's)' is like having someone shove a softball up your 'pooper shooter'(ok? Nuff said)
I finally got to the point where I could not take the pain anymore.
I am very stoic about pain, and have a high thresh hold---but I was about to pass out.
(People who give birth w/out pain meds are masocistic.)
Finally, the Anestheisiolgist (sp?) (aka: Dr. 'I'm late for my golf weekend') showed up and (hurriedly and painfully) administered the epidural---I now know what it feels like to have an ice pick stabbed in to your spinal column.
My X collapsed on the floor and almost fainted during the procedure. Nice.
I rested...and waited...and could not feel my legs...seriously thought of getting a tattoo...Why not? I would not feel it, and it would have been a great diversion...2 birds, one stone and all.
Cute nurse recommended pitosin(sp) to 'get the party started'...once the drug was administered my body said,'oh hell yeah! let's do this!'....
Funny, the nurse had to fetch the X out in the hall...and then in came Dr. JetFighterPilotHeroOBGYN
(cue Indiana Jones Music.)
They wheeled in the 'french fry light' basinet---it looks like the thing at Mickey D's that warms the fries---a couple more nurses, big spotlights, and a big HUGE mirror!...????
I asked them what that was for, and they said 'so you can watch the birth'...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
No thanks!...they wheeled that thing outta there like a monkey on roller skates...FAST!
I started pushing---the best part of that was when I got to 'rest' and breathe the oxygen....aaahhhhh.
ok...ready...PUSH...everyone was counting to 10....and I was getting the giggles! It was so ridiculous!
I made everyone stop counting...thanks. I can count to 10.
Plus the coffee/dorito breath from the X was KILLING me...
He did attempt to go see what was going on 'below' and I about ripped his arm outta socket...'HERE! HERE! HERE! At my HEAD!!!!'
I know some people are all in to watching the head come out...but not me...and certainly not anyone but a doc or nurse...I have a vivid imagination...and the visual was just too much...really.
Turns out girl baby's cord was around her neck...tense moments as Dr. Wonderful cut it off her neck...then she finally came out...and was not making any noise...Dr. Wonderful put his hand on mine and said, 'it's ok...she's ok...'
They suctioned her throat out and she FINALLY finally cried---relief to say the least. She was 4 weeks early and Doc. Wonderful had said from the 'git go' that she may have breathing problems...
But she was fine...all 6 lbs. 14 oz. of her beautifulness. So after 15 hours of labor,Courtney Virginia Breakell was finally here....
Then I thought: NOW what?
She was the first newborn I had ever held...I knew nothing...I felt like the girl in Gone With the Wind" 'Miss Scawlett! Miss Scawlett---I dont know nothin about birthin no babies!!!!'
(I had to slap myself!)
A couple hours after Courtney was born, my X went to my baby shower--- and she and I were alone...really alone...no one came to see us...and the nurses were 'busy'....
ummmmmmmm. yeah.
Meanwhile, at my baby shower, everyone was partying it up! My X sister in law and her friends even opened ALL---yup ALL---of the baby gifts!
Back at the hospital, Courtney and I were just 'hangin' out...they brought me food from the cafeteria...meat loaf, gravy, instant mashed potatoes, and collards. I almost hurled at the smell. I survived off pudding cups and jello---and cranberry juice.
Plus, for some reason, maintainance decided they needed to switch out the phone and reinstall wiring at midnight...???
This hillbilly, mountain freak, nurse would not coach me on the whole 'feeding' issue with this new baby...she kept saying,'aw, huunney, it shoold come natchrully too yooo...'
(well, guess what Gertrude? I am clueless! I am not a frickin' dog!)
I also had never changed a diaper...I know!
(But given the school I went to, I never had time to baby sit...so, again, I knew NOTHING!)
...Obviously I figured things out because Courtney and I made it through the next hours, days, months... 13 years...and my 'baby' will be 14 this summer!!!!...'OMG'!!!!
So that's 'Baby #1'...stay tuned for the tale of 'Baby#2'...aka: 'Brick' the 9 pounder...oh yeeeaaahhh!